Run
by youkai chick supreme
Summary: How can he keep running away and then run back and expect me to welcome him with open arms? And why, why do I? Why do I love him so much? VxM Discontinued. This is the end as far as I'm concerned.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Trigun, or its characters, I am just borrowing them. I'll give them back… someday, maybe, if you're lucky.

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(Meryl's POV)

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He left again. Simple as that, he just got up, in the middle of the fucking night, and left me. Again. It's not even like this is the first time either, oh no, the Human Typhoon has done this to me over three times this past month alone. And I am so damn sick of it. I'd like to say I'm sick of him, but in all honesty, I'm not. If I really wanted to tell the truth, I'd have to say I love him. I am in love with Vash the Stampede.

But love has nothing to do with this, after all, he certainly doesn't love me. He can't, I'm not even sure the man knows what love is, not real, man to woman love. After all, he's still got the mind of a child, a hurt child. After all, he was barely shown love at all in his life. The only person to ever really love him unconditionally was Rem, his makeshift mother. God bless the woman. Without her, who knows what Vash would be like today. Just think, there could have been two Knives instead of one.

Just thinking of that man makes me shudder. An involuntary spasm, a tingly sensation inching its way up my spine, and I have no way to control it. Being out of control kills me, that's why I hate drinking. That's why I could never watch Millie and Vash, and Wolfwood, when he was with us… that's why I couldn't just stand back and watch as they got themselves so hammered they didn't even know their own names. They reminded me so much of my father. My father...

I couldn't stand it, watching him waste away; I couldn't watch as he killed himself with whiskey and beer, drowning his sorrows in alcohol, it killed me too. That's why I can't even stand the smell of beer; why even the sight of a whiskey bottle makes my stomach turn. I watched as my father slowly killed himself, and my whole damn family, with alcohol.

And of course, that spiky haired idiot had to be a bar fly. Of course, growing up with an alcoholic wasn't enough, oh no, I had to fall in love with one too. Isn't that just my shitty luck? To be constantly surrounded by booze hounds. To have to always be the voice of reason, the designated driver, the spoil sport. Do they think I actually enjoy being such a control freak? Do they think I like being their mothers? Being the little voice in the back of their minds saying "Put the damn beer down, you drunken fool! Nine is enough!" I hate it! I absolutely hate it!

I hate it, and yet I find myself doing it more and more. It's like these people, my friends, it's as if they have no conscious thoughts in their brains besides "Let's get piss-ass drunk!" I wish they would grow up already! I'm sick of being the only responsible one in this group! I want to cut loose sometimes too! I want to relax and have fun too! But if I take a break, nothing will ever get done. Why me?

But, as I was saying, Vash has left me again. I can't believe him, no wait, I take that back completely. I can believe him, after all, he's the man who blew a gigantic hole into the fifth moon and ran away from me and hid for two years. Those were the most horrible years of my life. Not knowing if he was alive or dead, lying bleeding in the street somewhere… I nearly went insane.

But I won't let him escape, not this time. Oh no, I have a job to do, and damn it, I plan on doing it! After all, if I have to be the mother and the responsible one and all that, then I sure as hell won't let some drunkard ruin my pristine track record. Oh hell no, I've worked too damn hard to let Vash the Stampede ruin my reputation. I'll find him and drag his narrow ass back here if it's the last thing I do!

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The end! Of chapter one that is. More to come later, when I feel inspired. Next chapter to come will have Vash's POV… By the way, this is set after Wolfwood dies, but before the last episode… Somehow. Don't ask how, just trust me. An actual plot might be coming next chapter, I hope. Review if you like it. I REFUSE TO BEG FOR REVIEWS! 


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Ok, I'm sick of writing these, so this covers the whole damn fic.

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It was time; I knew what I had to do, the only reason I was hesitating was because I was scared. Yes, I, Meryl Anne Stryfe, was scared. Of a doughnut scarfing, crybaby, whiny coward of a gunman. I was scared to listen to my heart and follow him, I was scared of bearing my soul to a man who could hurt me so badly, unintentionally at that. I was scared that he'd tell me to leave him alone. I was scared of ending up alone myself.

But I knew I had to follow him. It was my job, after all. What a great cover up that job made. If I had to follow Vash, follow my heart, then I could at least blame it on the job. I can't abandon my job after all, this was only something I had to do to secure my job's future. Sure, maybe if I tell myself that enough I'll finally believe it.

The door swung open suddenly, and my silent musings were shoved to the back of my head roughly. Millie breezed through the front door, an almost impossibly big smile lighting up her face. She almost walked right past me, I suppose my all white outfit blended in with the walls a little too much… But she looked my way at the last moment, and tilted her head to the side in an almost cat-like way.

"Sempai! Work went well today, the foreman says we should be hitting water any day now! Isn't that wonderful news?" Her smile hadn't left her face once, and I admired her for it. She loved Wolfwood, only to have him ripped away from her, so violently, only days ago, a week at most. If I was her, I'd never be able to smile again. But she always was stronger than me… Really, I should be the one calling her sempai…

"Yes Millie, that is wonderful news… But, do you think you could ask for some time off…? Maybe a week or two… We, uh… It is our responsibility to find Vash the Stampede and make sure he is not endangering himself or the public; it is our duty as representatives of the Bernadelli Insurance Society! He... he's a danger to himself and everyone around him! He needs us!" No, that is a lie, it's really me who needs him… But I don't have to say that, Millie knows. She's a lot smarter than people give her credit for.

Nodding quickly, hair flying up in all directions, she looked like she did the first day I met her, a little eight year old girl, if you could ever call Millie little. "Yes, sempai. I'm sure the foreman, Miles-san, will give me two weeks off. Don't worry, we'll find Vash-san and keep him in line. After all, it's our job! Oh! I should go pack!" She ran up the stairs, taking great leaping steps, skipping as many steps as she touched, if not more.

Sighing, I walked into the kitchen, and picked up the grimy tan colored phone that came with the house. The thing was probably older than the whole town was… Shaking the thought out of my head, literally, I dialed the number of the bar where I was working part time. Jim, the great, burly hulk of a barkeep answered, his gravelly voice grating on my already jittery nerves. Jim was also the owner, my boss.

"Hey Jim, it's Meryl…" He grunted his acknowledgement, and I continued on quickly. "The reason I'm calling is… Well, there's been a family emergency, I have to travel to visit my… brother, he's very sick. I'll be gone for nearly two weeks. I'm sorry if this causes any inconveniences." Vash, my brother? That had to be the biggest lie I've ever told. If I ever felt the things I've felt for Vash for my brother, I'd be going straight to hell for sure.

"Hmm… two weeks, eh? This is short notice, but since you've never called out before, and this is a family emergency, then it's no problem. I hope your brother gets well soon." He sounded almost sympathetic! I was nearly in shock as I stuttered out my thanks, blinking a few times when the line went dead. I've never known Jim to be a compassionate kind of guy. It was a nice surprise. Perhaps even a good omen. Maybe finding Vash wouldn't be so hard. I left the kitchen and climbed the stairs to my room, thoughts still swirling in my mind.

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The end! Of chapter two. My God that whole chapter accomplished nothing… Damn it. And I lied, this whole fic will be in Meryl's POV. Well, maybe something will happen in the next chapter…. I hope. Sorry for the disappointment. Well, review, damn you. Ja ne. 


	3. Chapter 3

Author's Notes: Oh look, a new chapter! Finally! Maybe something will happen this time! I make no promises…

Disclaimer: Oh yea, I don't own Trigun… And I'll probably forget to mention it every chapter, so this blankets the whole fic.

Oh, I fucked up the first chapter…I said this takes place before the end of the series, yet after Wolfwood died… But it really doesn't make sense… Should I leave it as it is or change it to end of the series? Or have this span the last two or three episodes and beyond? I'm up for any and all suggestions people. Oh, andsorry for the wait.

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I packed relatively quickly, emptying out drawers and closets alike, and checking under all the beds. Convinced that I had everything, I grabbed my cape, containing my 50 derringers, and my little pink suitcase and left the room. Passing Millie's door, I banged twice and told her to hurry up. I regretted it as soon as I had done it. What if she wasn't really over Wolfwood's death, what if she was in there mourning? What if she was crying in there, and I here I was being selfish? Pushing thesemorose thoughts to the back of my mind, where they could fester and grow, I ran down the stairs to the front door.

If she was crying, she hid it well, because in a matter of moments she came barreling down the stairs smiling. In a matter of moments we were locking up the front door, jackets, or in my case a cape, on with suitcases in tow. I had no idea which way to go, no clue which direction in which to head. There were virtually no rumors of Vash the Stampede doing anything destructive, anywhere. Or at least, none of which I knew.

"Sempai… do you know which way to go?" Millie questioned softly, tentatively, almost hesitantly. I shook my head, feeling like a fool for rushing her when we had no real destination or reason to hurry. But she just smiled and suggested we go get something to drink in the bar that doubled as a restaurant during the day. Having no alternative, I nodded my consent, albeit reluctantly.

We set out to the bar, The Last Resort, and I laughed wryly at the name. Still, it didn't stop the shudder from automatically going up my spine, my flesh tingling in its wake. Looking out the window, I saw the steamers conveying a multitude of people to far off places, and bringing them back again. I wished they would bring _him_ back to me… I wished I didn't need something to bring him back. I wished he had stayed.

As we approached the bar, I realized we were the only women here as a multitude of masculine, dirty looking faces turned to watch us. Hearing the cat calls and seeing the inappropriate looks we were getting only solidified my belief that bars were concentrated evil. After ordering a cup of coffee for myself and a mug of beer for my partner, I let my mind drift. My thoughts decided to settle on Vash. And I realized that I wasn't the only one wondering where he went.

"So did ya hear the latest news about the Humanoid Typhoon?" Vash! My mind froze and my heart sped up considerably. Someone knew where he was? I leaned noticeably to the left, closer to the old man sitting three seats away, talking about Vash. Nudging Millie with my right elbow, I jerked my head towards the two men, one shaking his head now, motioning for the other to continue talking.

"Well… ya know the plant in New Nebraska, right?" A nod of acknowledgement, and the first man continued talking, "Well, they say the Humanoid Typhoon is responsible for the plant's destruction!" Oh… oh no. How did I miss this? How did I miss such big news? Oh Vash…

"That monster… he's not human I tell ya! Someone's got to kill him! He can't be allowed to get away with all these killings!" The poor guy didn't even see it coming until it was too late. All he could do was blink as the truth, as well as a good half a mug of ale, sunk in.

"You bitch!" He cried when he finally realized what had happened. I jumped up from the bar to keep from throwing the empty mug at him too.

"Me! What about you? You all condemn that poor soul, but you don't know him! You don't know anything about him! You don't know what it's like to be in his shoes! You bastard! How can you judge him, you don't know him… You don't know him at all…" What am I saying? Hypocrite. I don't know anything about him either…

The whole bar is completely silent at this point. I could literally drop a pin and hear it crash into the linoleum. I was tempted to, if nothing else than to simply end the oppressive silence. Then, suddenly the murmurs came. Was I crazy? Was I a traitor, working for the enemy? Was I his… whore? I shivered despite the acrid heat of this dead desert planet.

Rising and picking up my brilliantly bubblegum pink suitcase, I tilted my head towards the exit, giving Millie a not so subtle hint that it was time to leave. She was glaring at the men, and I expected her to start shaking her finger at them at any second. Getting her attention, before she could shift into lecture mode, I jerked my head once more. She caught my drift as she too rose.

I was so tired, so ready to leave this backwater town. And while we left amid glares and harsh whispers, with me feeling like I wanted the sand to open up and swallow me whole, the day turned out quite prosperous. Now, instead of no destination, we had one. And to think, we only had to give up a place to return to. I thought the information was well worth giving up this stifling town.

"Millie, go purchase two tickets to New Nebraska. The earliest there is…" I trailed off, not needing to explain why. Millie was there, hell, it was her beer I dumped over that jerk's head.

"Yes sempai."

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Ahh… help me someone! I need guidance. Assistance! Assistance! And if you review, please don't tell me Meryl's OOC. She's supposed to be, that was the whole point of this. To show a deeper, softer side of her, that no one's ever seen before. A gentle Meryl… Pfft. Yea right. See ya next time readers. 


	4. Chapter 4

A/n: Ahh! Loyal readers:looks around: Loyal readers? Hello? Damn it! I knew I took too long updating this! Well… if anyone's still reading, this is dedicated to you, my truly loyal readers!

Disclaimer: I own nada! I don't even own my car! My mommy does… Leave me alone! I'm only 18! Trigun belongs to someone a hell of a lot more creative than I can ever hope to be! Damn them all…

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"That was a big fucking waste of time!" I find myself screaming. Wow, when did I get such an obscene vocabulary? It must have been that damn priest's fault! Ah… Wolfwood, how I hate people who remind me of myself… And as much as I loathe to admit it, we were so alike it scared me… Maybe that's why I was so against being near him. I never found myself craving his company like I craved Vash's or Millie's.

"Sempai…" Millie cuts into the beginning of my rant. I already know what she's going to say. I know Millie, my language. And I know that at least this trip has ended with a purpose, that it wasn't really so pointless. But it wasn't nearly worth it, I think, and I tell her just that.

"It wasn't him. That guy didn't even look a damn thing like the real Vash! You'd think these damn people would know what Vash really looks like by now!" I mean hell, he's only been around for a century or so…

Did that sound bitter? When did I become bitter? …Am I always this bitter? I don't want to be bitter… I don't want to be one of those people, single after 40, bitter, hating life and all those who love it. I don't want to be that bitter, jaded woman; and with more than a little chagrin, I realize that I am well on my way to being that kind of person.

Rubbing my temples vigorously, I turn to ask Millie if I sounded bitter, when I realize she's disappeared. Turning my head furiously left and right, all the while venomously cursing my stunted height, I come to accept the fact that I can't find her. Damn that coffee, damn it's calming, delicious qualities. Damn its height stunting side effects!

"Sempai! Over here!" And just as quickly as she'd disappeared, there was Millie, poking her head out the door of, surprise, surprise, another bar. I don't even bother to look at the name, I can't really bring myself to care enough about it. I just want to find Vash, and find a nice warm bed, and rest a little.

Grimacing, I step into the dimly lit lounge, cringing that I was breaking my promise to myself yet again. I swore when my dad died that I'd never set foot in a bar unless it was an emergency. Like a "My left arm has been shot! Please alert the doctors!" kind of emergency. Is finding Vash so important to me that I'd break all the rules I set up for myself?

Yes… Oh God, yes he is.

Smiling feebly, I turn to the bar and sit besides Millie. She doesn't order a beer. I think she's learned her lesson from last time, to not drink while trying to find rumors of Vash. She can drink all she wants when we find him again. They can be booze hounds together. Maybe they can…

I can't even finish that thought before I want to retch. Millie and Vash…together? Actually, they're quite similar. Both are caring souls, both love with all their hearts, both have experienced heartache and still remain innocent and pure. Hell, both love beer. They would probably make a wonderful couple… Oh God, please don't let me cry! I'm being ridiculous! Millie still loves Wolfwood! And Vash, well, Vash is Vash. I never can quite tell what he's thinking.

Still the thought troubles me to no end, and as I sit gingerly on the stool, all I can think about is Millie and Vash. I want to retch. I hide my gagging behind a cupped fist and call it a cough. No one calls my bluff. No one cares.

"Sempai… There's a rumor about LR Town. They say no one has heard a word from LR in over a week. I think something weird is going on…" My partner's voice trails off but I haven't heard a word besides LR. Is that where he's hiding?

"Come on Millie, we're out of here. Now." The trip to the steamers was a silent, quick affair. The tickets were bought without an incident. The steamer was eerily empty, devoid of life except for two Bernadelli Insurance Society reps and one nuclear family consisting of a pair of middle aged parents and exactly one boy and one girl. The boy looked older. He reminded me of my own brother. The one I left behind…

Coming out of my hazy memories, I realize the steamer is empty, the family long since gone, Millie tugging at my arm, trying to lift me up by the sleeve. Releasing all the air I had been holding in subconsciously in a huff, I grabbed my things and exited the steamer. Nothing could have prepared me for what happened next.

Something heavy and hard collided with my head, I slammed my eyes shut, and the world went black. I could hear Millie's voice crying out, but the words refused to connect with my brain. Nothing made sense, the world faded away.

When I awoke, I knew something was wrong immediately. Turning my head as much as I could, the back of my skull throbbing and pulsating, I looked for Millie. She was lying prostrate near my feet. Upon seeing her bound with thick ropes, I realized I was tied up too. The shuffling of feet brought my attention to my captors.

With sneers in place, they hauled my slowly awakening partner and me to our feet, brandishing homemade weapons threateningly. And truth be told, I was scared. Swallowing my fear, and gulping down massive amounts of air, I put my weight on my feet and tried to ignore the makeshift club that at the moment was prodding my back, willing me to move faster. I followed obediently, and saw from the corner of my eye that Millie was following too.

After several minutes of navigating our way through town, we finally reached the outskirts and the massive cliff that loomed above the town of LR. As we reached the base, our captors became violent. The prodding, which up until this point had been irritating but not entirely painful, became harder, more aggravated. I tried in vain not to cry out. I heard Millie's muffled cries of pain in the back of my mind. I soon heard my own joining hers in a perverse duet of pain.

The pushed us down into the hard, gravelly dirt, kicking, poking, prodding at every inch of flesh they could find. A boot collided with my head and my vision blurred and blackened. I cried out in vain, help me. I mentally cried out for him. Vash. The one man who never let me down when I needed him. I hoped he wouldn't let me down this time.

And as abruptly as it has started, it had stopped. A gun shot rang out through all the confusion, silencing my world. Millie sobbed softly, almost silently besides me. I sniffled once, twice, then remained silent myself. What had happened? Who had died? Who had saved us?

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Hmm… I promised last chapter to include Vash in this one… And he is in here… Well, not exactly, but almost. I'm sorry this took so damn long, and I couldn't make you wait any longer to try and stick Vash in. I tried to make this longer, and it is… a little longer. See? I tried. Well, review please, this took so much effort it makes me wonder if it's worth it...


	5. Chapter 5

A/n: Ah, I live! Woo. Long time, no update. Well, I'm here to solve that little problem.

Disclaimer: I don't own shit. I only own my idea… not even. Oh damn it all…

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As I stumbled to my feet, I glanced over to Millie, still lying prostrate to my side. Mumbling what I hoped to be her name, I turned, bent over, and nudged her with my shoulder, ignoring the feeling of momentary vertigo, brought about by bending down. She groaned and turned away, instinctively curling tighter into herself.

Twisting my hands, I found there was a gap in my ropes, if I could just get my hand a little higher… Bingo! My right hand was free! Working feverishly at the knot, both hands occupied behind my back, I finally had it undone after a few minutes and muffled curses. Turning towards Millie, I bent all the way down, kneeling at her side and began to untie her.

"Sempai…?" Came her sweet, weakened voice, wavering slightly. Sniffling softly, almost silently, I tried to appear strong, if only for her.

"Millie, everything's fine. Everything's going to be fine." Lies for all I knew, but I was the leader here, I had to be strong. Turning after helping my partner to her feet, I noticed something by the cliff. Two something's if you wanted to get technical. One red and one white. What the hell were they?

Stretching slightly, my muscle aching and protesting every single movement, I started my way toward the two objects. I heard Millie before I saw her, coming into my peripheral vision, to my left. Gathering all my energy, I started to break into a sprint.

Closer and closer, racing closer and closer until I finally reached the base of the cliff, and the two things I have come to realize are people…

Vash. And… who is this man? Drawing closer, I realize he's dead. Was this man after Vash, a bounty hunter, a member of the gung-ho guns? But… Vash wouldn't kill him, why did he kill him? And why was this man smiling, even in death? It didn't make sense…

"Vash…Va-" I began, stepping forward. He broke me off, mid-speech. He grabbed my arms, tightly, his grip painfully tight, squeezing my arms mercilessly. But that wasn't what scared me. When he called me "Rem," even then I wasn't scared. But when I looked into his eyes… This bewildered, child-like fear growing behind his thick lashes, this is what truly frightened me.

"Rem, Rem I did a bad thing, Rem. I took a man's life. What should I do Rem? What should I do!" He gave out one more anguished cry and fell to the ground, kicking up a cloud of dust. I cried out and tried to catch him as he fell, Millie in turn calling out my name, but he was too heavy for me.

"Millie," I gasped out, struggling to get Vash upright, "Millie, help me. We… we've got to get help."

Nodding her head and taking Vash completely from my grasp, she shouldered the man's full weight and prepared to carry him the entire way home. Now if only we could figure out where that was…

Brushing off such unsettling thoughts, I turned and made my way back towards town with Millie and her unconscious cargo right behind me. We made surprisingly good time, time that was spend in complete silence, with the exception of the occasional whimper and murmur of "Rem" from Vash. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't jealous.

And that upset me. She was like Vash's mother, the one woman who loved him unconditionally, and here I was getting jealous of how much Vash loved her, looked up to her. Was I such a horrible person? I didn't want to answer that, the answer scared me.

As we reached the town of LR, it was clear that life was back to normal for the townsfolk. They had already awakened and returned to their homes and families. Gathering my courage, I walked to the nearest house, a ranch with a herd of tomas. Upon knocking, an older woman answered the door. She looked to be frail and fragile, but appearances were deceiving; after all, no one on this acrid planet could really be called weak, fragile, or frail. When I asked her if I could purchase two tomas, and borrow some bandages and water, she simply smiled, moved over, and nodded.

Bandaging up the idiot gunman proved to be harder than I thought it would be. He was fine when Millie and I started undressing him, he hardly even breathed. But as we began to cleanse the wounds he received, he began convulsing. His body shock with multiple paroxysms, each more frightening than the last, until finally he stopped moving altogether. Only the shallow moving of his chest alerted us to the fact that he was still alive.

Sniffling and hastily scrubbing at my eyes to rid them of the tears that gathered there, I finally finished tying the last bandage. Letting my eyes roam his scarred body, I became overwhelmed with a deep seated sadness. How could someone do such a thing to another living being? How could something called human be so inhumane?

I let my eyes, and fingers, ghost over his chest, right over his heart, once more before replacing his shirt with a new clean white button down. A gift from our gracious host. After thanking her numerous times, and after she shrugged our thanks off, we headed out to pick out two tomas. Our hostess stayed nearly silent the whole time.

After picking out the two who looked to be the runts of the litter, so as not to inconvenience our extremely good-willed host, I turned and pulled out my wallet fully prepared to pay good money for the beasts, on Bernadelli naturally. But she just shook her head and waved her hands in a placating manner.

"I have no need of that money; you're doing me a favor by taking those two off my hands. Plus I think you're in greater need right now than I am, what with your injured friend. Good luck." She smiled a big grinning smile and turned back to her home. She turned and winked once before disappearing into her house.

Grinning bemused, I began loading the tomas. Once the tedious task was finished, I loaded Vash into the seat and jumped on behind him, grabbing the reigns and driving the beast forward without even looking to see if my partner was ready or not. Letting my eyes wander from the sandy, barren waste field of a landscape, I let them rest on the back of Vash's head.

I wondered if he knew how much I loved him.

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A/n: Ah… okay, first off, life's been… shitty, so sorry for the long wait. I'm quite proud of this chapter actually, even though it's mostly filler. Hmm, one thing though, I don't know if I'm spelling Bernadelli incorrectly or not, but I started out with Bernadelli so I stuck with it. Tell me if I'm wrong or not, if anyone knows please. Reviews would make me smile, hint hint. 


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I don't own Trigun! Leave me alone!

A/n: This chapter I dedicate to Dido, her song "Here with Me" is the soundtrack to all of my writing. Yes, one song is a soundtrack damn it!

Also, I'm honored to dedicate this chapter to Alaena Night, my most loyal of reviewers. This is for you, honey!

Hmm, also, I noticed a lost a lot of readers. Was my last chapter sub-par? Or did some of you get lost along the way… Come back! Come back you lousy bastards! Hm… maybe that's not the best way to get people to read and review. Oh well, here we go!

I can't stop thinking about him. Damn it! His face haunts every waking moment of my day, and some nights too. Why do I continue to torture myself like this? Loving a man who could never really love me back… Taking every little insult or praise to heart, committing every single word he says to memory, I must be crazy. I must seriously be insane.

The thing is, even though I always would mock love, I really want that for myself. I want that unattainable love that all those fairytales preach about. I want that magical, defying all logic, super natural, soul searing love. I want what so many others have already found, that some have already lost. I want that love, I want Vash to love me like that. I must confess, I already feel that way about him, if only… If only he could love me.

Hm, he's asleep now, one room away. He's been asleep for days now. Sometimes I think he'll just sleep the rest of this life away. That thought doesn't frighten me as much as I thought it would, as much as it should. I mean I do love him right? But what really scares me is the idea of confessing my love for him. Now that is the thing that keeps me awake at night.

I'm scared. I'm scared of these feelings I've never had before. Is love supposed to hurt so much? Is it supposed to feel so intense, so utterly overwhelming? I feel like each day I shrink a little more as my love for him grows and overshadows me.

I feel like I'm being smothered. I thought love was supposed to be easy, like slipping into a pair of old cozy slippers and walking on clouds, and all that bullshit that people say when they describe love. Hell, I didn't know it was going to feel like his entire being consumed mine. I hate it, I hate loving him! But I love him so much; I can't stop now, not even if I tried. I don't want to try. And I don't want to stop loving him, even if it is terrifying. I love him and I will love him for as long as I can.

Sighing softly, I put the newly acquired key into the lock and open the door to the only room available for rent in this whole bloody town. Hefting the bags a little higher I stifle a moan. Who knew grocery shopping could take so long? And I had to do it all by myself since Millie was working! But I can't really complain, after all she's working so I can stay home and care for Vash. Smiling a little, I open the door and drop my bags.

The first thing I notice is that the window is open, sunlight and a vaguely cool breeze streaming in. Eyes sweeping from the window to the bed I realize Vash is sitting up… which means he is awake. My brain reacting unusually slowly, it finally seems to click. Vash has finally decided to grace the waking world with his doughnut scarfing face. And for some strange reason I'm scared again. I can feel something ominous in the air and it scares me beyond reason.

"Oh you're finally up! I uh, _we_ were so worried about you, especially Millie. Yea, Millie! You know how she can get. Ha-ha-ha!" Shit! I'm babbling, horribly so, and I think he can tell… if he's even still listening, I know I've tuned out already and I'm the one talking! "Are you hungry? Oh, stupid question! You must be after sleeping so long, I'll make some soup! It'll be ready soon!"

"H-how long was I asleep for?" His stutter is almost unperceivable, but I catch it. And then he turns and looks at me with the most haunted set of eyes and it's all I can do not to look away. It's all I can do not to run to him and gather him in my arms and sob my heart out. But I don't. I answer his question.

"I killed him, I actually killed a man. Oh Rem. Rem! I'm so sorry." He whispers after a terse silence, dropping his head into his upturned hands. At this point I feel entirely useless and try backing away and out of the room under the guise of making soup. He doesn't notice, he doesn't care.

Mere inches away from the door, I side step the shopping bags, still lying on the floor where I dropped them a reality ago. I can feel my heart breaking, little by little. Steeling my resolve, I open the door silently, the hinges squeaking only slightly. As soon as I get the damn thing closed I hear it.

Muffled sobs. His sobs. He's on the other side of the wall, crying his heart out and I can't do anything! Falling against the wall I simply let my legs give out. I let myself slide down the wall as Vash screams over and over again. How did I get here? How could this have happened to us? How did I get here!

I don't know. God I don't know anything! I'm so useless… I can't even comfort the one man who is supposed to be the most important thing in my life. I can't do anything. I'm so useless.

Ok, not the longest chapter but I'm kind of pissed. I only received two reviews last chapter. That pissed me off! Come on people, you can't hurt my feelings. If you hate it tell me; if you love it tell me; if you find it uninteresting, tell me! Come on! I'm not asking for some 200 word review. I'll take a simple, "Great job." Or even, "You suck and this is shit."

Just fucking review.


	7. Chapter 7

A/n: Ahh, it's been awhile. But with college and all, I'm having a damn hard time scheduling everything… Plus, with three different medical emergencies in the family, I've been more than a little distracted. I won't bore you with the details…

Ah! I did what I swore I'd never do! I threatened people to review! I always hated when other authors did this and now I find myself doing it too! I'm sorry! Ah, what I hypocrite I am sometimes. God forgive me.

Disclaimer: I don't own squat. Haha, double negatives are FUN!

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It's been so long since I've seen him smile. It feels like years, which is absurd, since I haven't known him for even one! If you exclude that little Augusta-shooting the moon, 2 year absence stint that Vash pulled a while back… and I do. Oh. What I'd give right now to just see him smile, even if he had to fake it, I'd be so relieved. I might even pull a Vash and cry like an idiot. Hm, now wouldn't that be a real role reversal. Me crying and him faking it.

Why is this so hard? Why is it so damn hard for us? I sigh, presumably softly. Hm, I seem to be doing that a lot these days. But I really can't understand it, how could he? How could Knives do this to his own brother, his own twin! I've heard of sibling rivalry but I seriously doubt that that is the case here. I just don't get it. How could anyone hurt a person as sweet as Vash? It's damn near impossible.

We haven't talked in days. Well, technically he hasn't talked in days. Me, I just keep babbling on. 'Vash how are you today!' Or, 'Oh look at the sky! How pretty it looks at night!' Or even, 'This soup is pretty hot, you better be careful! My mother used to make this soup for me when I was little and sick, but you're not really little, and I'm not your mother…' Oh God, the stupid things I would say just to stop from saying the things that really mattered.

Like, 'Please just say anything. Just talk to me.' Or, 'When you hurt, I hurt.' Then again there's always, 'Vash, I think I'm in love with you.'

Oh to see the look on his face if I said that. 'Vash, I think I'm in love with you.' Would he laugh? Or sputter incoherently from the sheer shock of it? Or simply just keep staring at me with those blank sea foam green eyes of his. Doll's eyes. Dead eyes. Once so full of life, now reduced to two hauntingly blank spheres.

I miss him. I miss the man he used to be. I miss that smile, that big grin he used to wear, stretching from ear to ear. I miss his laugh, if you could even call it a laugh. More like the braying of a donkey… but it beats this eerie silence that threatens to break me as it clearly broke him.

He's sitting outside now, finally. It's the first time he's been outside in a long while. I imagine the sun must feel good on his skin, which had begun to lose its healthy glow. He turned so pale for a while there. Being confined to a bed for over a week tends to do that to people.

He scared me for a while there, just lying in that bed, completely silent. It was worse when he would cry. But he seems to be getting better slowly. So painstakingly slowly… I wonder if he will ever really be the same again. I wonder if he will ever be the same carefree gunman who couldn't hurt a fly, who would spout off 'Love and Peace!' at every opportunity, who could smile and make you forget all the horrible things you've done. I wonder if he will ever be 'Vash the Stampede' again.

But he's getting better; he doesn't look so desolate anymore. And he doesn't cry out at night anymore. And I think I was him grin the other day. He's trying, he is. And he's slowly getting better.

But when Millie and I would care for him at the beginning of his healing process, he would just sit and stare. I would cook and clean, I would bandage him up, I would do anything and everything for him, but it just never seemed like enough. He seemed to be lost in his own little world. There wasn't enough room for me. And it hurt. Sure, I'd smile and laugh and try to be merry, but I wasn't. I was crying on the inside. Oh to touch him again. I can't deny it, I like the feel of his skin under my hands. It brought out something in me, something I'd locked away for years. Something primal and wild. He didn't appear to notice, he didn't seem to care. And it hurt.

It hurt because I knew that no matter what I was doing for him, to him, that he was thinking of her. Of Rem. I knew that he would never care about me half as much as he cared, and still cares about Rem. And it really hurt.

The days have been good to Vash. He grows happier with each passing day. We toil day and night, working, ever working, all for him. And our efforts are starting to pay off. The haunted look has nearly left his eyes. You have to look closely to see it now. He's getting better. Or becoming better at hiding his misery…

He is outside now, I think he likes it out there. That thought, that he likes it here, in this town with me, us, makes me smile. Nudging Millie silently towards and out the door, I close it, making sure to keep it unlocked in case Vash wants to go back inside. It's time we get to work. Now that Vash is awake and alert, and he can care for himself for the most part, I can finally go back to work. It's the only thing I really can do for him now.

The hours blurred together and ran like molasses, slowly, so slowly, as I worked my meaningless shift, at some meaningless bar, for some meaningless men. Who groped me repeatedly I might add. The nerve of some men! Just because they're drunk they think– I stop that tangent before it even starts rolling. Everyone knows my feelings about alcohol and alcoholics by now… Reaching into my pocket, I pull out my key and unlock the door; Millie would be working late today, later than I. Upon opening the apartment, I realize no one is here.

For a second white hot panic enters my chest and seizes my heart in its fiery grip. Where is Vash?! Did he leave me again! My keys slip from my limp, useless fingers. I hardly hear the clatter they create as they hit the tiled floor. For a moment I don't even know where to turn, what to do. I feel so utterly petrified. If he's left, I can't follow him, not this time. After all, look how well that turned out last time. I made him kill a man, it really was all my fault.

And yet, he still blames himself…

Then it hits me. The cliff. He's at the cliff! It's so simple, I almost laugh. But as I try to laugh it dissolves and is engulfed and overwhelmed by a sob. And I stand there in the foyer, cape hanging by one shoulder, door wide open, keys on the floor, uniform lying in a rumpled heap, forgotten in the corner, crying. Crying like my best friend has just died. And it feels right. It feels like I belong here, right here, waiting for him. And caring for him. Loving him, loving Vash like no one else could. And this brokenness that threatened to consume me before now gives me strength. I know where he is, I know what he is, and damn it, I know _who_ he is. And I love him. I love him.

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Weak ending! But life is kicking my ass, as I've stated previously. And kids, let me just say, cherish high school! Fucking cherish it! You don't know what you got till it's gone. More to come, hopefully soon. And by soon I mean like 3 weeks… Hopefully. 


	8. Chapter 8

A/n: Ah, a new chapter is here! Yay!

Disclaimer: I don't own Trigun, but I do own… a nifty pair of shoes! But you can't have them! They're mine! Hisses Bloodsucking leeches!

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The trip to the cliff was long and uneventful. People's came at me but too preoccupied to even wave, I simply rushed past. I could apologize later, I simply needed to see Vash. Now. Everything else could wait. 

As the peak enters my sight, I can see him up there, silhouetted against the night sky. The wind carries the traces of his voice to my ears, but the words are indistinguishable. Stumbling yet determined to run up the steep incline, I push forward although my muscles protest. I push on towards him.

As I get closer, the words become more recognizable. He's singing quite an old song. The tune is familiar but the name escapes me. I remember a time ago, a lifetime ago, my grandmother used to sing that song to put my mother and uncles, then my brother and me to sleep. All these years later and I can still summon forth the lyrics.

His stanza is ending and while he's not the best singer, his voice is clear and pure. A good voice. As he inhales, before he can whisper out the next verse, I find that I have beaten him to it.

And he turns and looks at me, and I can see the surprise dance clearly across his face. I wonder, is he surprised I'm here or that I know that song? Either way I ignore his silently questioning stare and sit down besides him. He's so close I can feel the heat radiating off him in waves. It's all I can do not to snuggle up to his side and simply feel his body against mine…

I want to reach out to him. I want to feel his skin beneath my fingers. I want him to know I'm here for him. I want him to trust me. I want him to love me. I want him! Pure but not so simple, I want him. I do.

"You can… you can stay here, with us, if you want…" Stupid me. Why would he want to stay with us, with me? I have nothing to offer of value, only my heart. And a man like him, a man with so much pain already, does not need another worry added to his infinite list. But he surprises me, yet again by agreeing to stay.

And I'm so damn happy I could die. Instead I just smile and enjoy the cool air on my face, and the warm body so close to my own. Words are not needed. All I need is this one moment to last forever. For a time it feels like it does.

But I should know better than to dream, as reality crashes down on my head, I realize that the light I see is not coming from the moon like I thought it was, but the suns instead! It's dawn! I've stayed out all night! And worst of all I think, is that nothing has really come of it. No love confessions, no passionate embraces, certainly no sex. For such a notorious flirt, Vash has not lived up to his reputation. He has not touched me at all. Why am I so disappointed by that fact?

Vash is gone at this point. He left sometime between midnight and now. He's probably asleep right now, drowning in waves of blankets, the lazy ass. I couldn't sleep, not after last night. So when he saw me to my room last night I walked in and then waited and walked right back out. I went back to the cliff. Stupid I know, but it felt so necessary. But I'm paying for my stupidity now; now I have to run all the way home to get dressed in time for work.

But when I get home, I notice something terribly wrong, something that knocks all thoughts of work out of my head. There is a veritable angry mob outside my door, pinning Millie to the spot using glares alone. She looks at me, looking so utterly helpless, which is just what she is, what we are. I know they're here for Vash, I just know it. I back away from them, the anger on their faces is too much for me. Such hatred. Why such hatred?

"You foolish girls! How could you do this to us!" Someone shouts from the crowd, I don't know who. There are too many of them, we're literally up against the wall this time.

"Wh-what are you talking about?" I manage to ask.

"Don't play dumb with us! You brought THE Vash the Stampede into our town!" Another man cries out, and the crowd begins to look a little more hostile. And now I really am starting to get scared.

"Listen miss, we don't want any trouble, we don't want to die. If you leave right now, you won't get hurt." The old man who rented us the room promises.

"Yea, but we can't promise as much for that other guy!" A disembodied voice shouts from somewhere to my left. What did he mean? No one answers my question, but the crowd has sobered considerably.

Oh God, I realize, they are going to kill him…

I gasp audibly and run to the window. And he's there. Tied to the back of a truck, being dragged through the dirt and stones that litter this planet. I scream, but it makes no difference. He can't hear me and even if he could, would that really do anything?

The truck stops and I turn and try to push past the throng of people. I can feel their hands tearing at my clothes, trying to stop me, but they are no hindrance. I will get to Vash, I must get to Vash.

I'm down the stairs before I can even comprehend the fact that I am running like my life depends on it. And in a sense, I am. My life depends on Vash being there to live it with me. In a moment I am outside and running through the crowds of people, shoving bodies aside without thought. And there he is, on the ground, a man with a gun standing over him, yelling at him.

"Stop it! Please!" I scream, flinging myself down beside Vash, propping him up forcibly, his body limp in my arms. "This man fights to protect people, please don't do this."

"Stop lying!" The man screams as he swings his arm back and lets it fly, hitting me squarely in the chest. I lurch back into Millie's out spread arms. Vash remains sitting, body curling into itself. The man continues speaking. I try to tune his words out. I want to beg him to stop talking, he's hurting Vash! But his next question catches my attention.

"Why did Stefan have to die so horribly? Answer me. Answer me!" He screams. Vash flinches and shakes. I can't let this go on a second longer.

"I have watched this man for a very long time. It's true, he can't avoid fighting. But he knows how to live as a human being. He feels as much as humans do." Something nearly grazes my cheek, I flinch. A bullet.

"Don't feed me that garbage! I have every right to shoot this monster! We lost our friends, families, neighbors. I have a right to hate him, we all do!" The man is hysterical, tears pooling in the corner of his eyes, threatening to spill out. His hand is shaking, the gun is pointed at me now. I don't care though. He hurt Vash, I don't care if he hurts me, but I won't let him hurt Vash. I won't let him hurt anyone!

"No one has the right to take the life of another. No one… has the right… to take the life… of another. Everyone has a future." The man looks at me but I'm not sure he really sees me. Behind me I can vaguely hear Vash mumble something. It doesn't matter. Nothing really matters anymore. He still points the gun at me, but I don't care. So long as Vash lives, I don't care about anything else.

"Isn't that right?" Arms spread wide, hands up in a semblance of peace, a gesture I learned from the man I'm trying to save, I step forward slowly. The gunman before me warns me to stop, but I can't. He retreats and I follow. He warns me again; it doesn't matter.

"Please, can't we stop this fighting?" I'm closer now, just a few steps separate us now. He is shaking again, shaking so hard it's a wonder the gun hasn't fallen from his slackened grip.

"Why? Why are you doing this?!" He shouts. He really does look confused, he looks alone. He looks like a man bereft of his family, of all he loves. So he turned to the only thing anyone on this planet knew, murder. He chose revenge.

"It's up to us to stop this hatred and sorrow. If we don't stop the killing now, we never will make any progress. When we were born, were any of us born to steal or cause others harm?" I'm so close now, one more step and I'll be close enough to stop him.

The whole crowd seems to take a collective breath as everything except time itself stops. I reach my hand out to the crying stranger. I move my hand to the revolver and it falls from his flaccid grip. He's weeping. Revenge was all he had left, and I took that from him, in a sense. A feeling wells up inside of me; it's not guilt, but it feels deeper than sorrow, tinged with remorse. This poor man.

The crowd slowly starts to dissipate, the lone gunman included. I sign and return to Millie and help her untie Vash. He is eerily silent and when he thinks I'm not looking, I notice him glancing at me strangely. When he's released from the ropes, he stands and motions for us to follow him to the outskirts of town. Millie and I follow unblinkingly.

"How could you two be so reckless?" Is the first thing that escapes his lips. I try my hardest not to sputter indignantly. Or laugh. Somehow I know neither reaction would be heeded well.

Still I can't help but to reply with, "You're the last one I want criticism from."

"It's exactly what you've always done!" Millie chimes in merrily, then adds solemnly, "Besides, I'm sure it's what _he_ would have done, too…" No one has to question who he is. The look on her face, the tone of her voice says it all. Oh Millie…

"That's it." Vash interrupts me unknowingly, sounding like he's just figured out the cure to all diseases. His face lights up, he actually starts grinning! I can't help the small gasp from escaping my mouth. He's him again. He's Vash, he's back. And he's running straight at me!

He's hugging me. Honest to God, he's wrapped his arms around me, back hunched over, his face is at my shoulder, I can feel his hot breath against my neck. Oh God, is this what heaven is like?

"H-hey, wait a minute. What are you doing?" My voice has raised an octave or five, but thank God it's not shaking or breaking. My heart is racing, my breath more than a little shaky, but I realize his is too. I can hear his erratic breath gasping out quite loudly. He almost sounds like he's crying… He is crying, I realize with small smile. He is crying.

"H-hey, how long are you going to do this?" I hate to break the moment, but I can't stand his quiet. He's holding me so tenderly, I feel as though I could break apart at any second and be blown to the farthest reaches of the galaxy. Then he goes and ruins it.

"I'm… I'm so happy!" He screams, merely inches away from my face. Then he gets the ridiculous idea that swinging me around like a rag doll would be the perfect thing to do. So he does it, swinging me around without a care in the world.

"Let go of me! Let go of me, you big ape!" So he does stop, but he proceeds to nuzzle my face, crying his crocodile tears and grinning like an imbecile. So I do the only thing I can do, given my situation.

I crack him in the head and stomp away. I may love this idiot, but he still knows how to push me right over the edge!

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A/n: God this took long to write… but with counseling sessions, three cancer scares, two heart attacks in the family, two new pregnancies, AND school and holidays tripping me up, I'm lucky I can write at all… Oh man, please review, really, please. 

And I really am sorry this took so long to write…


	9. Chapter 9

A/n: Sorry guys, I've been so damn busy with work and school… And I really have been avoiding my fanfic account. Sorry! But I'm starting to write again, and hopefully this chapter will be good.

Disclaimer: I own nothing, plus the fact that I'm basically just typing down what I've watched from the anime, dialogue-wise.

Add to that the fact that I'm pretty sure I do not own one thought that someone else hasn't thought of already. I am possessionless!

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Call me a romantic, ha, that's a good one, me, romantic. But I at least figured that after saving his ass for once, he'd actually acknowledge me for one night. Wrong. How could one person be so wrong? I went home, he didn't. Oh where did he go, you ask? Ha. Do you have to ask? Where else?

After nearly getting his head blown clean off his shoulders, he decided to go out to the bar with his would be assassins. 'Oh, short girl, they made a mistake, they want to make amends.' God, and people wonder why he's so damn accident prone?

He's such a fool! No, no I am. I'm the fool for thinking anything would change! He can't change. He's still a drunk, probably always will be. And I'm sure he flirted with every girl in sight; wives, sisters, daughters, it doesn't matter! He's goes after all of them!

But never once me. He makes me feel like such a fool when he goes after other girls, tall, skinny, beautiful girls, and totally ignores me. I know I'm no knock out, but does he have to rub it in my face? Does he have to make me feel like nothing?

It's nearing dawn, and I have spent another night up thinking about him, us, everything. His brother is still out there, still trying to spill Vash's blood. And Vash will continue to go after him until the very end. The end of what? I don't know. I don't know this time, and that kills me.

I've made my way back to the front of the building, another night spent roaming the town, looking for answers no one has, not even him. He's up in there, I can hear him moving around, getting dressed, getting packed… He's leaving me again. Why does this time feel so different? Feel so permanent? Why am I not surprised this time?

He steps out into the light and I ask what's been weighing down my heart all night. "So you're leaving?"

"Yea… I'll be ok now." He smiles, and it feels real this time. His happiness is infectious; I find myself smiling too, despite the fact that this time he really could die. He could never come back.

"See you later." I say despite my fears. He smiles and accepts it with a small nod of his head. And it feels like it's almost enough to sustain me. When he thanks me and I open my mouth to confess how I would do anything to help him, we get interrupted by Millie running up, the Cross Punisher slung over her shoulder like it's nothing. My eyes nearly bug out of my head.

She hands it off to him, and they both seem so happy. They really would make a cute couple… And for once that thought doesn't make me as sick as it used to. They both deserve happiness… It wouldn't kill me if they were together. Ha, I'm really losing it. Millie and Vash? As if. That makes even less sense than Vash and I together.

Next thing I know Vash has the thing strapped to his back and is walking away as Millie and I just stand there waving. He's just walking away, getting smaller and smaller by the second and I can't do anything about it. I can't even call out to him. I can't do anything except stand here waving. What's wrong with me? He's leaving and I can't do a damn thing but wave like a fool.

"I couldn't… I couldn't say anything." I don't even remember speaking. And all these tears are cascading down my cheeks before I even notice how blurred Vash's silhouette looks. God, he's just a red blur on the horizon.

I feel Millie's hand slapping my back, trying to uplift me as always. "So tell him when he gets back!" She shakes me a little, trying to instill a little courage into me perhaps, "Say everything!"

She turns and leaves me, to work? To the room we're renting? I don't know, and I can't bring myself to turn and watch which direction she takes. I can't care right now. Everything inside of me feels heavy, like my insides have turned to stone and are sinking to the bottom of my being, weighing me down. Everything I have ever known or felt is weighing me down! God, is this what a nervous break down feels like? I can't handle it! God, I can't do this anymore! It hurts too much. Why does it hurt so much? Love is supposed to be something beautiful, so why am I in so much pain?

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A/n: Ack, shit. Well, not the best, but it's a start. After this the ball should really start rolling… Hopefully. Haha. You don't even want to know what's been keeping me from writing… Let's just say so far 2007 has been drama-drama-drama! Well, review damn it! You read this now you got to pay the price! Um, yea, I'll stop rambling now. Please review. 


	10. Chapter 10

A/n: Ahh, don't hurt me! Keh, like you could! Er, um, I've been having some serious writer's block, but I've procrastinated long enough, ne? So, without further ado, here you go!

Disclaimer: Shit! Almost forgot this… I do not in any way, shape, or form own Trigun! That right belongs to… well, not me.

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It's been six days… six days without him. It hurts. You'd think that after this happening well, happening too many times to count, that this wouldn't hurt any more. But damn it! It hurts so badly. Not knowing if he's dead or alive. Not knowing if he's succeeded or failed. Not knowing if he's all alone, or surrounded by all new friends…. Girls. I don't know which thought hurts more. I'm horrible.

I'm so horrible, I love him, I should be able to let him go. So why can't I let him go? Why can't I trust him to come back to me? Maybe… maybe it's because no one ever returns to me, and he is no exception. I chase and chase after him, after them, but no one ever turns and embraces me and says how glad they are that I'm near them. All they do is run. So why did I so expect him to be different?

Yesterday a report came in. The news says it happened iles away from anything, yet there came a report of two explosions. "A massive release of pure energy" is how one paper described it. It was him, them. It was Vash and Knives for sure, I'd bet my life on it. I know where it is, the location of their battle, I could travel there and begin to search for him again, if he's even alive tha- No! No, I will not let myself think that way. He is alive, he has to be.

But I can't. I can't follow him like I did every other time. It's not like every other time. He's different now; it's subtle, but it's there. I can't even put my finger on what it is. It's almost like maturity, almost like a sort of growth, but that's not quite it. He's changed, and I haven't. I'm still the scared little bitchy insurance representative I always was; and I can't be that way anymore. I can't be selfish and follow after him and force my one-sided love onto him shamelessly.

But oh if he had asked me, I would have followed him across this entire barren world, even if it wasn't my job. Because I love him, I love him so much. How did this happen to me? I can't look back and pin-point it to one isolated incident, but somewhere along the lines I stopped thinking of him as the Stampede and he simply became Vash.

The days are cold, meaningless, and blurry. One blends and mixes with the next so that I do not know how many days have passed without him by my side. Has it been ten? Eleven? I don't know. Was I this bad last time? During that two year stint, was I this bad? It feels worse now. I feel weaker. I think I love him more. Maybe the time that has past has dulled my senses, making me think it was easier then.

But it's not easy, it's the hardest thing I've ever done, live on without him. It's hard to leave my bed, it's hard to push myself up and out of the haven of blankets and pillows and that feeling of safety. It's hard to eat, the food is tasteless. It's hard to smile, I'm so unhappy it hurts, it physically hurts.

And I'm starting to forget again. I'm starting to forget simple things about him. How much taller than I was he? Was his voice baritone or alto? His eyes, were they more blue or more green? His hair, sun-kissed or sandy blonde? God, I'm forgetting everything! I have nothing of him, nothing to remind me of him, no pictures to look at, nothing. All I have is memories. Impossible to pin-point memories of the man I love.

And he's gone, gone. Oh how I hate that word, gone. Not away, or somewhere, no; he's gone. And I don't know when he'll be back, if he'll even come back. Hell, I don't know what I'll do if he never comes back. How will I know if he's alive if he never comes back? How will I know if he's okay if he never comes back! God, what will I do without him by my side, cheering me on and making me laugh (okay scream) with his stupid jokes?

I'm just not strong enough for this. I'm not strong enough to just let him go. Now that I've met him, I just can't let him go. I know he'll always be in my heart and all that clichéd shit, but will that be enough?

Now that I know how it feels to be embraced by the epitome of "Love and Peace" what will I do if it never happens again? How do I pick up the pieces if there aren't any there? How do I pick up the pieces if there's even a chance of him being alive out there, a chance of him retuning? I just love him so much. Why didn't I tell him?

Why didn't I ever let him know I cared? Who was I trying to protect? Me. I've been so selfish, so cowardly. I kept my feelings to myself, made him think I didn't care because I didn't want to push my one-sided love on him and burden him. But that's not really the reason is it? Oh no. The real reason is because I was so afraid of him not loving me. I was so scared of being rejected by him that I let him walk away thinking that I didn't care. What if he thinks that he has no one to return to, no reason to come home to us, to me? What if I never see him again?

I can't do this. I just can't do this! I miss him too much. I miss his smile, his eyes, and the way they'd light up like a child's at any given moment. Hell, I even miss his God-awful laugh. I miss the way he'd look at me, really look at me, and how no words were needed. He truly wore his heart on his sleeve. I miss that unguarded vulnerability of his. I even miss his tears. I miss the good and even the bad. I miss him.

I miss so much I could die.

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A/n: God, break downs are so easy to write. I guess when you're half-broken yourself it's easy to write about a broken character. Haha, I guess my "Important Note" on my profile was wrong in this case! Well, can't always be right, can you? Hope this didn't suck and was worth the wait!

And before anyone asks or demands a new chapter, go read my profile, you'll see that I might not be able to write anything happy, like a reunion anytime soon.


	11. Chapter 11

A/n: Okay, you guys held up your end of the promise so I guess it's time to uphold mine. Past time actually.

Sorry again for bugging out… things have been chaotic recently, a mix of both good and bad. I'm overwhelmed, I never could manage my time well. Hell, I could never manage my emotions well either.

But I'd like to thank everyone for reviewing, and reading as well. My God, I suck for taking so long with this!

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The air feels good on my face. It's the first time I've been able to appreciate it in days. I haven't been outside my room in a while. But today I guess I just became fed up with myself, really sick to death of myself. So I dressed in my usual attire and forced myself to get out the door. As soon as the sun and air hit me, I felt human again. It feels good to be human.

I breathe slowly, enjoying the crisp taste of the air as it hits my tongue. And suddenly it's easy to smile again. I don't know how it happened, but it's like my sadness just balled itself up and disintegrated. I can still feel a gnawing ache in my gut when I think about him, but I can smile now as I remember. It's not so hard to think of him now.

The town is alive with people as I walk along the main street. People laughing and talking, huddled together or standing alone; someone is crying, face gathered in his hands. I want to reach out to touch him, but I know I shouldn't. It's not my place, his sadness is his and he has to be the one to conquer it. I know that better than most.

A rumble shakes the ground, and I stumble in my steps. The crew working at the well begin to shout to each other as the rumbling increases. Suddenly a burst of water escapes the pull of gravity for a moment and shoots into the air, coming back down as raindrops. I stand in the middle of it all, just looking up and letting the rain hit my face. It's so refreshingly different.

"Meryl! Water! We hit water!" Millie runs up to me, so excited, so proud of herself. She's the happiest I've seen her in a while. She's smiling with all of her heart. And I find that I am too.

It's strange, the feeling of water hitting me on the crown of my head, my shoulders, down the front of my chest. It's how I would imagine what falling into a water tower feels like. It's like taking a shower with all my clothes on. It feels amazingly refreshing.

"Vash will come back won't he?" My partner questions suddenly. But it's not really a question. She knows as well as I do that this separation is not forever. With Vash, it never really is, is it?

"Of course he will. He wouldn't dare keep a good woman like me waiting, would he?" We both laugh a little, nervous but true. It feels good to joke again. It's a little forced, but familiar. This is how it should always be between us. It's how it hasn't been for a while. And it's good to be back to the way things were before this mess started. Back to when Millie and I were all the other had.

We fall into a silent spell, just letting the water hit us gently, before it slows to a light misting. Soon it stops entirely and is content to lie within the well. And that's fine with us, so long as it remains there for a while.

Millie look so happy, she's running around with the children, like Vash would, splashing in newly made puddles. None of the mothers complain about dirty knees or faces, they're too happy. Everyone is too happy, it feels surreal. Yet I know something is missing. Vash is missing.

I smile at a woman across the way, a fellow waitress, and she nods in turn. I'm happy, I want to say, I really am! I just miss him is all. I'm happy, I swear. And I am, I really am.

Millie finds her way back over to me, grinning like that legendary cat who ate the canary. Just looking at her face makes me smile. I don't think it's possible to look at her and feel upset. Just another one of the great qualities Millie possesses.

She begins to say something, I think, but her gaze locks onto something over my shoulder and she stops mid-word. So I turn to see what's got her so focused and serious looking and I see a man on the horizon. My heart leaps into a thumping, noisy pattern of off-beat beats. I can see blonde hair and for a rare moment I'm the happiest I've ever been. But as he gets closer, I see he's wearing black, not geranium red, so this man can't be my Vash. And I want to sink down into the muddy sand and cry.

But the closer he gets, the clearer his face gets and it's him! It's him! Millie and I both shout to him at once. And I'm running so fast, my legs burn and cramp from such sudden abuse, but I don't give a damn because it's _him_! He smiles, like he always did and waves a one handed wave. And for once, I am the reckless one because I barrel into him.

I throw him off balance, he is carrying his monster of a brother, which in all honesty should shock me a little more than it does; but I know Vash and I know he could never kill Knives.

We fumble for a moment, me clinging to him almost desperately, him patting my back almost lovingly. And he does the most amazing thing in the world. He says my name, my real name.

And I'm mumbling little half-prayers, "Oh thank God you're back, you're back. You're back." It's all I can do not to cry. So I just dig my face into his chest to the point where it must hurt him, but he doesn't complain; he just keeps petting me in a strangely comforting manner. I love it. I want to feel it forever.

And it's like the world around us melts down and runs away in colorful rivers. I forget that Millie wants to say hello too, I forget that Knives is slung across Vash's shoulder, and I even forget that he must be injured. All I can think is how good it feels to be in the arms of the one I love.

It feels better than anything I've ever felt, and likely anything I will ever feel again.

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Oh good God. See how I love you? I stay up until 3 a.m. writing and proof-reading and damn I'm tired and morning comes so fast and work is hard, damn it! See how I love you? (After neglecting and yelling at you I try to say I care. I must be slightly bi-polar.) But anyways, sorry this took so long. Life is just… trying to really kill me I think. But regardless, thanks for reading and not giving up hope! (And if you did, screw you! Kidding…) Review if you deem it worthy. Tell me what's good and what sucks. I'm trying to better myself because college is showing me how stupid I really am… Ok, enough! I'll stop throwing my problems in here someday. Peace and love. 


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